Afghan Refugees

Politeness has a different place in Afghan culture than in a Western society. There is status within culture and levels among educated, and they are very conscious of these levels.

Show respect at every level of society. You can destroy a relationship in a single bad conversation.

Anger, and overt anger reflects badly on you. Only rarely is it appropriate.

Western politeness:

• Asking a guest if he would like a cup of tea
• Asking about the health of a friend’s wife
• Complimenting a woman on the beauty of her child
• Asking someone to pass the salt

Afghan politeness is:

• Serving your guest a pot of tea
• Asking about the welfare of a friend’s house
• Prefacing a compliment for a child with nAm-e-khudA (in the name of God)
• Reaching and getting the salt for oneself

When in doubt, ask, and be quick to laugh at yourself if you make a mistake. Understand that in general, Afghans come from a region of the world that sees relationships and culture through the lens of honor and shame, and many of them are now refugees in cultures that are more oriented to truth/guilt.

Appearances are very important

Give the appearance of warmth and respect, be glad to see someone, welcome them warmly. A guest that shows up unexpectedly becomes the priority.

• All interactions should be sandwiched between pleasantries expressed before and after difficult topics.
• Express a willingness to help. "I will try" is better than "I can’t" as this likely will be interpreted as "I won’t".
• No short words and abrupt actions
• Forgiveness is complex and navigated differently in Afghan culture, so try not
  to offend rather than offend and come back to it.

Age
Older members of Afghan society are highly respected and often the head of their extended family. Treat every older person with respect, regardless of their social or economic status. Older ones should be seated furthest from the door.

Professional Status
Culture has definite positions. Education is the ladder that moves you up, as well as power. Afghans tend to use titles for positions such as teachers, doctors, engineers, etc.

Guests
Guests are shown respect by seating them first according to age and then to professional status.

Publicly
Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself. Don’t go into a group of people and mimic the lowest common denominator in Afghan culture, but learn from those who are more elegant.

Communicating bad news
Share bad news gently over time. Afghans are gentle in giving bad news.

Decline an invitation to tea
Use "thank you" to decline repeatedly, rather than a direct "no".

Foot pointing
Do not point the bottom of your foot towards someone, such as when a host crosses his/her leg across the knee.

Pointing
If pointing at something, use your whole hand, not your finger.

Compliments
When you complimen someone on their jewelry or something in their home, they may think that you want it and give it to you. The reverse is also true.

Pregnancy
Pregnancy is not discussed in mixed company.

The co-worker who has made a mistake
Don't correct in a group and make the mistake obvious to everyone. Take them on their own, and gently show them.

Missing Items/Theft with no clear culprit
Don't call someone a thief if you don’t have 100% proof. If something goes missing, try to find it, ask for help to find it. You are highlighting the fact that it is missing and giving your Afghan friend the opportunity to help you "find it".

There’s no geography to our rooms, but there is in Afghan culture.

• Farther into the room is the place of the honor.
• Farther from the door, usually is the head of the room.
• Don’t go straight to that place in an Afghan’s living room.

It looks a bit prideful to them if we go sit the furthest inside their living room without being invited. Let them invite you further into their room.

Don’t make comments about how beautiful a child is because it is not appreciated.

Don’t single a child out, an Afghan may assume that you have just brought the evil spirits out. They will say "Nam-e-khuda" (name of God) to ward off evil spirits.

Show kindness by playing with a child or asking to hold a child.

Learn the art of vagueness

Afghans don't answer questions about money, intimate relationships, etc. and you shouldn’t feel that you need to either. Instead, give a vague reply and give the same answer a few times (they will get the hint).

If you’re a woman being asked difficult questions, just back out of the conversation.

Time is precious to Afghans

If you give them time, you are showing value, listen to their ideas and then present your own.

In the west, we tend to value expedience, so we want to get to the point quickly. Not so for the Afghan. Often things are given in a sandwich, so look for the thin slice in the middle, leave yourself room for negotiation and don’t come to the meeting with a fixed idea.

For Afghans, time is oriented around the natural progression of the day and the time of prayer.

Afghans tend to believe that the future cannot be planned with any certainty, because it is formed by the will of god, which is unknowable. This is seen in the use of the word, "enshAllA" (God willing).

Afghans dress to convey honor and respect to others. They value being clean and tidy.

If visiting Afghans:

• Women should wear loser fitting clothing showing no cleavage, shirts or dresses with sleeves, and skirts that are knee-length or longer are best.
• Men should wear trousers (not shorts) and shirts with sleeves.

Business cards carry a sense of importance and prestige. If you are given one, take it respectfully and consider it.

Afghans communicate more indirectly. You may need to read between the lines rather than expecting an explicit answer.

Honor and shame are very important. Express yourself in a way that is not confrontational or that blames someone.

In meetings which involve negotiation, generally, they will give their 5-10 minutes speech of all their ideas and then you may present your side, and slowly you move on.

Men and women will often sit separately at social functions, men on one side and women on the other.

How the Afghan woman behaves and dresses preserves the family honor. Modesty is essential for this.

Host women

• Be restrained in your behavior to male colleagues, over familiarity can be interpreted as having a bad character.
• Avoid being alone in a room with an Afghan man.
• If an Afghan man asks an inappropriate question, you do not have to answer it.

Host men

• Don’t ask about the Afghan man’s wife or daughters, ask about his family.
• Avoid taking pictures of Afghan women.
• Avoid being alone with an Afghan woman, as her reputation is at stake.
• Avoid touching/hugging.

Teen boys toward women

• Teen Afghan boys know they shouldn’t be overly warm with young women. Seek the help of an older Afghan if teens are hassling you.
• Take care when housing refugees. Unrelated men and boys sleeping together is not always the best.
• Younger boys (12 and younger) should be placed with the women for their safety.
• Take care to not leave a host teen boy in the home with an Afghan girl, her reputation is at stake.

There are two Afghan idioms that sum up hospitality:

• A guest is a friend of God
• The man who doesn't welcome guests is the enemy of God

Hospitality is the strongest expression of interpersonal ties and relationships. It is such a strong code of honor that it is culturally required to be equally reciprocal when you have been the guest of another. Be sensitive, as Afghan refugees coming to your country likely cannot meet this code at the present moment.

When you eat or drink with Afghans in their home, you are "sharing salt" which means the relationship is being established.

In the west we generally meet at a restaurant, but Afghans invite into their home.

• If a visit is for business purposes, it is not polite to begin too hastily on the matter of business. The ideal is to make every business encounter first a social one.
• There is a rule, though not always followed, that an invitation is offered three times before it is accepted. You may also need to invite more than once. If Afghans want you to come, they will urge you and give a specific time and date.
• Invitations are usually given verbally and at short notice.
• The invite to drink tea is polite speech. Wait until it is offered three times before
  accepting.
• Lunch is usually noon to 2pm, late afternoon tea is 5-7pm, and dinner between dusk
  and 10pm (or later).</li
• Don’t ask an Afghan guest in your home if they want something to eat. It will
  embarrass them. Just put the tea/fruit/nuts out.
• To give condolences or visit at a celebration, a 30-minute visit is enough. Try to
  avoid visits at the Muslim time of prayer if they are devout.
• Indicators of a good meal is that the food is plentiful.
• When finished, leave a small portion of food on your plate to show you have had
  enough to satisfy.

Ways to get to know Afghans

• Visit and introduce yourself when they are new to your neighborhood. Take a cake.
• Visit during Afghan celebrations, Eid-e-Ramazan and Eid-e-Qurban. Also, invite them
  over for your nation’s celebrations.
• Give gifts when you visit the first time. Sweets, nuts or fruit are typical gifts.
• If an Afghan friend sends you a plate of food, don’t send it back empty.
• Go to Afghan weddings and funerals if invited. Funerals are more important than weddings.
• Offer to help with taking them to medical care.
• Offer English/computer lessons.
• Don’t always be the giver. Ask for help too. Ask for language or culture coaching, get a cup of sugar, borrow a screwdriver, etc.
• Play sports with them
• Bake or cook together to learn each other’s culture.
• Allow children to play together, but use wisdom and caution (no unsupervised play).
• Share vegetables from your garden.

In Afghan culture, gifts are generally given discreetly and acknowledged quietly. Gifts are not unwrapped in the presence of the giver but usually put aside to open later.

Gratitude is expressed by the person when they use or wear what they have been given.

When giving and receiving gifts, use the right hand, or better still, both hands.

Gifts are usually given during the two main annual Celebrations (Eids). A small cash
gift is given to children on Eid days (equivalent to $1.00 USD or less).